Pornography, Guilt, and Marriage Part 5 of 5

Since those momentous days, Tom's outlook on life has indeed changed. In his second article written five years later, Tom con­cluded, “I have only one option: to seek God with all my heart, so that God may continue his process of healing and bring me to sexual fulfillment - at home, with my wife, where I belong.”  (This story well illustrates that ethical falls are not necessarily fatal to a relationship if the proper process if followed says Marriage Counseling Naples FL).

Guilt in Proper Perspective

Guilt is a terrible feeling.  Fully admitted, it strips away any facade that would protect us from its pain. Nonetheless, without it, says Marriage Counseling Bonita Springs FL, we are nothing more than brute beasts.  A key reason Westley Allan Dodd (executed 1993) was sentenced to death by hanging for kidnapping, raping, and murdering three little boys was because he expressed no remorse during his trial. To the contrary, he told the jury that if he ever had the chance, he would do it again and "enjoy every minute of it."

Who needs guilt?  We do asserts Marriage Counseling Cape Coral FL. The question is, what do we do with it?  Do we try to convince ourselves that what we are doing is not really all that bad?  For those tired of bearing its weight, consider Christ's invitation, "Come to Me all you who are weary and burdened and I will give you rest."  As French author E. Guerin discovered generations ago, “When the soul has laid down its faults at the feet of God, it feels as though it had wings.”

Analysis

There are at least four components to Tom’s recovery.  The first was fear.  Tom was given a rare glimpse of the future when he met with his friend Steve and saw Steve’s debased condition.  Second, more than just asking God to help him stop what he was doing, Tom asked God to help him replace what he was doing with something else.  Third, Tom confessed his sin to his wife, bringing it out in the open where it lost its power.  Fourth, throughout the time he was in sin’s grip, Tom never called evil good in order to eradicate his guilt.

Though Tom struggled with pornography, his path to freedom provides a universal blueprint for overcoming most any sin or moral lapse.  What issues are your struggling with that are negatively impacting your marriages?

If you reside in the Southwest section of Florida, that is, in Cape Coral FL, Naples, Fort Myers, Bonita Springs, or Estero Florida, as well as Marco Island, Sanibel Island, Captiva Island or Punta Gorda, Dr. Newberger is ready to serve you and your spouse.  Take a look at his website,MarriageCounselingAlt.com, to see the approach he uses.  Feel free to call him as well at (239) 689-4266.  Don’t let unresolved tensions in your marriage linger any longer.  Reach out to him today.

Pornography, Guilt, and Marriage Part 4 of 5

During the next year, Tom fell once, that is, returned to his old ways - and that only momentarily. He then wrote his story for publication. Five years later, Tom re-read his original article in preparation for a follow-up story. The extent of Tom's spiritual and emotional healing is captured in his extraordinary words, "I had forgotten how completely sex had dominated my life."  Christ was true to His promise (see part 3)..

Removing Guilt

One of the positive aspects of Tom's story is that despite all his years of inner turmoil, he didn't try to redefine morality in order to remove his guilt. (I give Tom a lot of credit in this regard, says Marriage Counseling Estero FL).  Marriages have dissolved because men, caught up in obsessions like Tom's, have utterly lost their moral compass. Boundaries of what is considered right are enlarged.  Boundaries of what is considered wrong are pushed further away. Con­sequently, behavior that was once considered wrong no longer produces guilt. This thinking is commonplace today.  Changes in the law regarding the definition of marriage, for example, makes what was once considered immoral and illegal, legal and acceptable.

The larger point is, when we stand condemned, we are all prone to question the standard that judges us guilty. Yet as ironic as it may seem, says Marriage Counseling Bonita Springs FL, weaken­ing the standards of right and wrong only diminishes our chances for recovery. As has been said, the greatest of all faults is to be conscious of none.

The fact is, virtually all of us experience twinges of guilt and shame because of the improper activities we engage in, whatever form they may take.  (This is part of being human notes Marriage Counseling Cape Coral FL).  But there is no shame in admitting that the activity is wrong and that the moral standard is right. Better immoral behavior with guilt than immorality without it. For without guilt, there can be no return to morality.

Learning from Tom

For Tom, the turning point came when his sense of right and wrong and self-condemnation were the strongest. He knew that what he was engaged in was wrong and it left him miserable. His sense of morality shouted to him that there was a better way. Ultimately, it drove him in des­peration to beseech the mercy of God with an urgency he never had before. Yet in that private process of confession and divine grace, moral standards for human conduct were reinforced and became the goal.

continued in part 5

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Pornography, Guilt, and Marriage Part 3 of 5

Steve's response was totally unanticipated.  After Tom finished his story, Steve broke out in an uncontrollable sob.  When he finally recovered, Tom learned that his friend was not crying for him, but for himself.  Steve was where Tom had been five years earlier and had taken lust to its logical conclusion.  Tom reveals, “I will not dwell on sordid details, but my friend had tried it all... He reached inside his vest pocket and pulled out a pad of paper showing the prescriptions he took to fight the venereal disease and... infections he had picked up along the way... I worried about cognitive dissonance; he brooded on suicide.  I read about deviance; he performed it.  I winced at subtle fissures in my marriage; he was in divorce litigation.”

Tom was shocked but recog­nized that his friend ended up where his own obsession would likely lead him.  Fear gripped him.  (In this case, this is a very healthy fear notes Marriage Counseling Fort Myers FL),  Tom desperately wanted out of the downward spiral.

The Turning Point

Shortly thereafter, Tom did two things. First, he read a book by Francois Mauriac. Mauriac, a Christian and Nobel prize winner from France, wrote about the depths of human depravity as well as personal purity. As a conse­quence, Tom was motivated anew to humbly approach God in prayer acknowledging his weakness and the need for His strength to break the vicious cycle that held him. Mauriac reminded his readers of the words of Christ, "Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they shall be satisfied. " Tom asked himself, "could He [God] substitute another thirst and another hunger for the one I had never filled?" He was willing to find out. (Marriage Counseling Esterol FL says this was a good move.  The spiritual component is all too often left out of the counseling process).

Tom did something else. One night at home, he confessed to his wife the hidden detours of his life.  (This is huge exclaims Marriage Counseling Naples FL.  The way to break the power of a secret is to disclose it to others).  Recalling that long conversation, Tom related, “Somehow, she in­carnated the grace of God for me.”  Susan forgave him for the years of her own silent suffering, for the relationship that never fully developed, for the rejection she felt at his need to go else­where. But from that point for­ward, Tom would openly share with Susan every temptation he encountered. His sex life which for so long was experienced in isolation would no longer remain a private matter.

continued in part 4

With a PhD in Conflict Analysis and Resolution, Dr. Ken Newberger can help you resolve conflict in your marriage and foster reconciliation.  Call him at 239.689.4266 to directly discuss your marital situation with him.  Also, view the process he follows which is outlined on his website.  Go to this page: MarriageCounselingAlt.com/couples.htm.  If you live in Lee or Collier counties in Southwest Florida, his Estero FL office is an easy drive away.

Pornography, Guilt, and Marriage Part 2 of 5

Down the Winding Road

(What Tom now shares, remarks MarriageCounseling Napes FL, is something all of us should understand when engaging in inappropriate behavior).  As the seasons came and went, Tom unhappily learned that lust does not fulfill, it “stirs up.”  It points in one direction only, downward.  There is no returning to a previous level and remaining content.  One always wants more.  “I no longer wonder how deviants can get into child molesting, masochism, and other abnormali­ties, " he reflected. .. Although such acts are incomprehensible to me, I remember well that where I ended up was also incomprehen­sible to me when I started.”

Though he had attempted to break the habit time and again, he found that he could not go a month or two before he yielded once more.  Self-hatred, despair, and guilt grew.  (But then another issue was developing points out Marriage Counseling Bonita Springs FL).  Over time, an invisible barrier began to develop between him and his wife, Susan, even in the privacy of their bed­room.  Tom's sexual relations with his wife could not compare to the Technicolor fantasies into which he had so thoroughly immersed his mind.  Tom was like a man craving for salt while dying of thirst.

A Dead End

Finally, after years had passed, two unanticipated events occurred which had a dramatic impact.  On previous occasions, when trips brought him to New England, Tom would become in­vigorated by walks along the coast.  He loved the smell of the ocean wind and the sound of the waves breaking upon the rocks.  But on this particular occasion, the experience produced no feelings at all.  Tom felt dead inside.  The seedy images of pornography had become more real to him than life itself.  He had reason to look at his life in a way he never did before.

Secondly, just three days later, Tom had the opportunity to visit with his friend, Steve, a man he greatly respected.  Tom felt he had to reveal his burden to someone.  Steve was a man he trusted.  After a hesitating start, Tom shared the secret side of his life.  (What Tom finds out as a result of this visit blew Tom away, says Marriage Counseling Fort Myers).

continued in part 3

There are all kinds of reasons why marriages experience deep problems.  Keeping secrets is one of them, but there are others as well.  If your marriage needs help, Dr. Ken Newberger is ready to help.  He meets with clients in his Estero FL office.  Close to Interstate 75, he is in easy driving distance from Naples, Bonita Springs, Fort Myers, and Cape Coral.  To view the outline of his process go to his website: MarriageCounselingAlt.com.  Feel free to call him as well to discuss in confidence the issues you are struggling with as a couple.

Pornography, Guilt, and Marriage Part 1 of 5

The primary source for that article came from Leadership Journal, the Fall 1982 and Winter 1988 issues.  Because of the length, the article is divided into five parts.

It All Started When . . .

Tom, was away from home and sitting alone in his motel room.  (As we shall see, being alone, free from normal constraints is a time when people can readily get into trouble, says Marriage Counseling Estero FL).   Flipping through the city's entertainment guide, Tom repeatedly found himself turning back to the advertisement of an exotic dancer.“A former Miss Peach Bowl win­ner,” the caption read.

At first, he dismissed her show as out of bounds. But the longer he sat around watching TV, the more the image of this strip-tease dancer played upon his mind.  “Why not?” he asked himself. A variety of rationalizations bols­tered his resolve to go. Before long, Tom found himself in the back seat of a cab headed for the seamy side of town.

The taxi driver dropped him off several blocks from the bar. Given his strong reputation of honesty back home and as a family man, Tom wanted to play it safe. Even though he was a stranger in town, he glanced nervously over his shoulder as he walked closer to his destination, and then entered quickly.  (The anxiousness and guilt Tom was feeling should have been a clear warning signal to stop what he was intending to do.  But, notes Marriage Counseling Fort Myers FL), the temptation proved to be too great.

           

Miss Peach Bowl was every­thing the ad claimed she would be. Tom was captivated as she went through her routine. When he exited the establishment a couple of hours later, everything was same and yet everything had changed. He had crossed a line previously out of bounds. He was still the same person but his perception was now somehow different. And it wasn't long after that he wanted more. He started to regularly frequent strip joints, sexually oriented magazines, was thepatronize adult movie theaters, and view live peep shows.  (The downward cycle has now begun observes Marriage Counseling Cape Coral FL ).

continued in part 2

There are many threats to a marriage.  Sexual immorality is one of them.  If this is a problem in your marriage, or another issue, contact Dr. Newberger in Southwest Florida to see if he can be of help.  He typically works with couples from Naples FL, Bonita Springs FL, Estero FL, Fort Myers FL, Cape Coral FL, Ft Myers Beach FL, Marco Island, and Punta Gorda Florida.  View his website MarriageCounselingAlt.com to learn more about his process, or contact him directly.  His office phone is (239) 689-4266.